Confessions of a Bibliophile

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Friday Night Lights

I'm sitting here at my computer, and I'm listening to Lyle Lovett sing South Texas Girl. For some reason, it evokes strong memories in me. Although I was born in Houston, have always had a residence in Houston, and have spent more years of my life in Houston than anywhere else, the seven years that I lived in Marquez, TX (where we still have a residence) are the ones that I recall as my childhood.

When I was a child, Marquez had a population smaller than 150. Most of us were related to each other. First graders through 12th graders attended the consolidated county school of Leon county. We had no Pre-K or Kindergarten. Every grade attended the pep rallies and most everyone in the county attended the high school football games on Friday nights. Even though my husband is 11 years older and grew up in East Texas, we share the memories of Frito pies made at the concession stands and watching the football games on Friday nights.

When I was eight, we made Houston our primary residence and Friday nights became drives from Houston to Marquez. I've always had a problem with motion sickness so I would sit in my Mom's lap in the front seat of the car (I know--no seat belt laws back then). I would get my kitchen hand towel and pin it to my head with bobby pins to pretend it was my beautiful long hair. My Daddy and I would sing songs as the lights of Houston would recede behind us. As we got closer to Central Texas, the bright lights would be fewer and far between because in small town Texas, the only bright lights on a Friday night can be found at the high school football field.

And, yet, the lights of those Friday nights really don't have anything to do with football just what it felt like to be a child in rural Central Texas during the 1970s. Something that can't be recaptured, but can always be remembered.

Trying Not To Quit

I've been working out for 1.5 to 2 hours five days a week for the past 60 days, and the progress has been disappointing. I've lost 1 pound and about 1 to 1.5 inches in all my measurements. Weird thing is that I really lose my appetite when I work out a lot so I don't eat enough. The only way that I dropped the pound was to remember to eat at least one full meal per day. An apple and some peanut butter with skim milk and water all day just doesn't cut it. I will have to say it's frustrating to read these weight loss articles and blogs where people talk about how they didn't change their eating habits and just started walking to the end of their block and back, then--wham! They lost like 5 pounds the first two weeks of doing this activity. Oh, well.

So...no desensitization trips this year because of a combination of gas prices and time. I really missed the beach house vacation this summer. It would have been nice. I've gotten past the point of being sad or tired of being agoraphobic. Now, I'm angry. The urge to visit the places on my life list has gotten so strong this year, but I'm still about at the same progress point that I've been with my agoraphobia for the last three years. Oh, well.

It's been a weird year, but I'm still reading. I joined GoodReads this year and I'm really enjoying it. I've almost met the 50 Books Challenge for this year, but I'm not going to stop. I'll just keep on doing what I do best--read.

So, yeah, I'm here. I'm hanging in there. I'm just trying not to quit.

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UPDATE: So it turns out that I was NOT eating enough for the amount of weightlifting and aerobics that I was doing. In fact, I was NOT EVEN eating the amount of calories that people on low-calorie diets eat. I did some research and calculations to determine how many calories I need to eat. After less than 5 days of eating MORE rather than LESS calories, I'm finally seeing the weight start to drop. Not a bunch of pounds, just two pounds this week, but that is better than nothing. I'm continuing to see a difference in body measurements and the fitting of my clothes.

I'm definitely NOT quitting.  :-)

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Shout! Shout! Shout!

Okay, here's a shout out to the faithful people in:

• Reading, Pennsylvania
• Jamaica, New York
• St. Louis, Missouri
• Louth, Ireland

who come by and see that I've rarely made a new post. I'm going to try to be better! I promise that I'll try...I don't promise that it will actually happen. If any of you who stop by here have a blog of your own and I haven't linked to it here, please either send me an email with the URL or post it in the comments. I would love to read what you all have to say on your little acre of the web.

Thanks to Sarah for the great idea and for commenting on my blog!

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Diamond

I know that in the past 17 years there have been plenty of times when I nearly drove my husband crazy pestering him for proof that he loves me. The diamond commercials would have you believe that the proof need be tangible, and the bigger the better. I have learned over the years that it is the intangible proof that is greatest.

When my husband met me, I wasn’t fearless but I was definitely adventurous. I had a hunger to travel and see this mighty fine world of ours. I wasn’t beautiful, but I was attractive enough that men often competed to be my choice.

A little less than 10 years into our marriage, I completely changed. I developed panic disorder with agoraphobia. I began to fear everything, especially fear itself. I gained 100 pounds and sprouted more than just the typical mustache and chin hairs that come with age.

I continue to battle the mental and physical problems that I have. I cry over what I lost. But there are days when I’m reminded of what I do have. There are days when I’m reminded to be eternally grateful for what I have not lost.

In spite of everything, my husband is still here for me. And he still loves me.

I did it!!

With knees knocking and heart racing, I faced my anxiety and agoraphobia to get the tickets so my daughter can meet one of the authors who inspires her.

I can't wait to see my daughter's face when I pick her up from school. She thought I had decided not to go because of my fears. I hope she screams with excitement!

Yippee!!

I ain't scared of lightnin'

But I am so very afraid of what I have to do tomorrow. I'm an agoraphobe who suffers from panic disorder. However...The Hadster would die, yes--die, if she does not get to meet Stephenie Meyer who writes the Twilight series. So tomorrow (or maybe tonight) I go off to camp out on a sidewalk outside of a Barnes & Noble store that is Not At All Close to my home so I can get wristbands (limited quantities--first come, first served) to attend the actual signing on Friday night at a high school that is Not At All Close to my home.

Keep me in your thoughts, prayers, whatever.

Yes, I Did Have Another Birthday

I really enjoyed my birthday, and I spent some great time with my family. I went to a birthday brunch with one of my dearest friends today, and I'm going to lunch with another one tomorrow.

Overall, my 40s haven't been as bad as I thought they would be and I haven't given up hope on me yet.

See you all on the flip side!

Keep Doing Things Anyway

I went to Rob's signing today. Even though every fiber of my being was screaming for a panic attack, I sat there and enjoyed his reading. If I want to have any kind of life at all, I just have to keep doing things anyway--whether I'm afraid, hyperventilating, having panic attacks, whatever. Glad I got out today. It's a pretty day.

PS: I'm keeping up the skating as well.

What I Did Today

DISCLAIMER: Only those people who have agoraphobia or understand agoraphobia would realize what a huge accomplishment I've made today.

I skated up and down the street in front of my house and the two houses on either side of my house. I once was an avid outside rollerskater (quads, not blades, thank you very much) before the agoraphobia. When I had mono one time, I was more afraid that I would never be able to skate again instead of worrying about whether I would be able to even get out of the bed!!

I don't have my complete skills back yet, but I'm getting there. I'm going to keep taking these "baby steps" to getting the parts of my life that I really miss back. Hey! I've gone from skating on the hardwoods in my home office and sitting room to skating outside. I'm getting there. :-)